My Last Post

I had written a much longer message.  

I fell in love with a girl.  I was in love with her even before I stopped writing this and I omitted every detail of our relationship, everything about her really.  I think I might have mentioned her, a couple of times, but if I did it was in passing and without any real detail and certainly without hint of my true feelings toward her.

The post I deleted was going to explain, in some detail, exactly how she broke my heart; but the more I wrote the more distraught I became.  

The pain she caused me makes me hate her more than I've ever hated anybody or anything, which creates a whole new level of ambivalence within me as I still love her so fucking much and I can't help but grieve what she did, what I allowed to happen, what I did and what we lost.  I can't stop grieving it.  Lord knows I've tried.

It was love at first site.  I didn't even realise that this was this case until she finally slipped through my fingers.  I didn't believe in 'love at first site', other than infatuation based on a physical attraction, but now I think on it it's something I've experienced twice; once with a lady in Norway who eventually blocked me on all forms of communication for.. reasons I'm only vaguely clear about, to be honest.  And once with this girl who broke my heard so badly I suspect the damage to be completely irreparable.  (And the Norwegian chick doesn't really count as 'first sight' as i met her online and i don't think I actually saw her the night I first spoke to her).

My feelings for her spilled out in the end, I suspect after my last post, here.  And we had a relationship that I kept a secret throughout its duration.  I only got to meet up with her a few times since then.  I'd have seen her twice as often but things kept coming up that prevented me.

And because of that she cheated on me.  I'm not trying to justify her behaviour, I can't.  I recognise i had a hand in causing what she did but she was the one who did it and there were things she could have done to stop it, to rectify any problems between us without fucking some moron who won't move in with the woman he claims to love.

I kept my feelings of her completely hidden for as long as I could and, as a result, this blog seems to be full of lies and lies of omission.

I was about to delete the whole thing.

But I can't do that.  I started this blog as a sort of homage to my sister, who passed away more than 5 years ago, now.  It might be a failed homage but an homage it is nonetheless and I don't have the heart to destroy it.

If anybody who ever reads this has any idea how it may be possible to actually travel back through time... Please let me know.  I don't know what I'd give how far I'd go but I suspect it'd be "anything" and "anywhere".

Goodbye.

Chug Turns 13

---I started writing this just after midnight (which is why I specified 'today' and 'yesterday' a few times) but decided to leave it until after I'd had some sleep until I finished.---

Yesterday (Monday) Laura came to visit. I don't remember how the topic came up but she wanted Chug to start a facebook account which meant I had to start him a facebook account. This also meant I had to create a new email address since his last email account went inactive. I set him up a gmail account instead of yahoo as it's not as hard to get a decent username on on gmail.

Today (tuesday) I thought that I might as well add him to my Facebook. It turned out that he wasn't on there as I thought he was. The only explanation I could think of for this was that he'd neglected to read the confirmation email in the account I set up for him and didn't follow the link to complete the registration process.

This was after Tony had arrive to take care of Pickle, ofc. Elise had decided to bring her down later than normal, which meant I got a little more sleep. Still, I wasn't happy that Tony was coming. (Fortunately he didn't complain too much today. However, when he finally did complain it as particularly bitchy. I'll get to this later).

So while I was on there I thought I might as well make people aware that it was his birthday today so I announced it on my 'Wall' and also on Zoe's wall, suggesting that she might like to contact him. Well, thinking about it I don't think I did say it was his birthday, just that she should get in touch with him today. But the first thing you see after you log on is a news feed with highlights of what your friends have done on facebook, which should display my announcement that it is, indeed, his birthday. (Nobody replied to this comment or the one I left on Zoe's wall. But I have no reason to feel bad and Chug won't feel bad about it as long as I don't tell him. But then I don't think it would matter too much if I did as he's not the most sensitive of young men).

So, having read my morning webcomics, checked the news and my emails; Dave was ready to watch some Dragonball. I don't remember how many we watched, probably 3 or 4 episodes, 5 at a stretch (they're less than 20 minutes each). Then he took a break for a fag and I agreed to wait for him, but then I realised that it was nearly time for Chug to come home and that I should probably get him something before he arrived if I was to get him anything at all.

I went to Ego and browsed everything they had... I asked Andy his opinion, but everything he could recommend was either already in Chug's possession or they were unsuitable. He did make one good recommendation, though, but sadly it was a game that hasn't been released yet (it should be there within the next few days, apparently); Halo Wars (an RTS based on the Halo games for the xBox 360). I didn't get him this as I wanted to get him something on the day itself; I'm tired of giving belated gifts.

Eventually, seeing nothing else I could see fit to get for him, I got him a wireless internet thing for his xbox.

I picked myself up a couple of lindt chocolate bunnies on the way home, as I have fancied one for days now.

I got home, gave Chug his birthday pressy and watched more dragonball with Dave having given him a large portion of one of the bunnies' heads.

At around 7ish I started dinner; steak and chips but before that I was standing idly around the kitchen, unable to use the facilities as mum was making pancake batter (it was pancake day, today! :D). (In spite of the huge amount of space in our kitchen most of it seemed to be in use). Laura was there by this point but I have no idea when she arrived specifically.

I went to check on them once or twice as mum made the batter. One time, presumably the first time, they were tucked up under a blanket, facing each other on Chug's bunk and seemed very startled on my arrival. So I did what any older brother would do at a time like this; teased them silly. Well, I didn't tease them that badly but I did inform them that I would be back up in a few minutes to make sure they weren't "up to anything". Sure enough; the next time I went up there Chuggle was trying to set up my present to get onto xbox live.

When I came down mum had more or less finished her batter and I started frying the steaks and the next thing I knew Tony had came down from upstairs and was ranting and raving about Chug and Laura being alone in bed together. (This was less than 2 minutes after I'd been up there). He would not shut up about it for ages. I know it's wrong to let 2 people of that age alone in bed together and I certainly wasn't going to let long pass before I went up there again myself to make sure they hadn't resumed their make out session (at least not in bed as they had been). As far as I could tell chuggle and Laura were still trying to set up xbox live.

He eventually settled down but it did seem as if he wouldn't ever shut up about it at one point.

Chuggle was still setting it up as I cooked but was getting nowhere. He constantly pestered until I went to help, which meant leaving the steak unattended which meant constantly turning off the pans so they didn't burn if I was longer than expected every time I went up there. The meal took ages longer than I had intended.

I finished cooking at about 7:50, at which point I remember Tony wouldn't eat chips out of our deep fryer. I asked him if he minded having just steak and salad and he seemed fine with it so I offered to watch the baby while he put a plate together and had it. As soon as he got up he went to the next room to rant to mum about the fact that all he had to eat was chips and salad. (I'll note, here, that when I use the word 'rant' when referring to somebody's actions in real life I generally mean when somebody shouts or moans loudly without stopping to listen to anything that anybody else has to say or at least trying not to listen). When I managed to get him to accept the fact that I had already asked him if 'just steak and salad' was fine with him he started bitching about the fact that it was now after 8 and that we were supposed to be at Elise's by that point for the pancakes and birthday cake. He seemed so close to exploding completely that he had to go outside for a smoke. While he did that mum called Elise to find out if it was OK that we were running late. Apparently Elise hadn't even realised we were late and said it was fine. She even called Laura's dad to make sure it was ok if she was late home, and he was fine with that.

Mum had a random rant at Stavros while we were there but I don't think I'll go into details on this.

After the "festivities" (which weren't bad, all in all, I spent most of the time there playing with Dylans toys on the carpet with him, Chug and Georgia. Dylan gets extremely excited when we come to visit at their place; he spends so much time at our place and we spend so little at theirs that when we come to visit him the role reversal is a complete novelty. You can't help but smile) Mum took Laura home and took Chug in the car with her to see her to her house (we also have him see her to the door as often as we can get him to. Personally I'd have him walk her home but mum's refused to let him leave the house on his own all his life to the point where he just refuses to do so out of fear. I also believe that to be the source of his so-called agoraphobia).

As mum left Elise and Stavross popped to the corner shop (I assume it was the corner shop, as it's the only one near their house and it was nearly 10pm, so I doubt anything else would have been open) purely because of the novelty of being able to step out together with both children in the house, what with me and Tony being there.

As soon as Elise got back Tony told her all about Chuggle and Laura being left alone together. This particularly annoyed me because it's simply not his business. I know we've always called him 'Uncle Tony' (to his face. The only time we refer to him as such is to the babies) but he isn't an uncle or any kind of relative to either Chuggle or Tony. We wouldn't have told Elise unless it seemed appropriate as we'd already dealt with it and Elise would only go ballistic and shout at Chuggle needlessly. It seemed to me that he was waiting to tell Elise this specifically when mum wasn't there.

It took me half an hour to find my coat. (That's an estimated figure, it did take me a long time, though). I looked absolutely everywhere, until the point when Elise started insisting that I mustn't have brought it as I thought I had, however I was quite certain that I did (most of the time I have a pretty cloudy memory, at best, but regarding this, that night, I had a pretty specific mnemonic; Laura keeps staring at me. And I noticed at an early that it is the instinctual reaction for somebody to look back, eventually, when somebody is staring at them. I say 'instinctual' because it often applies when people don't realise they're being watched, they simply become aware of it. I caught Laura staring when I put my coat as I was getting ready to set off, I caught her several other times over the night including when I began to feel a little too warm wearing the thing, so I took it off).

I even went to the car to see if mum had taken it with her. (Not that I could really think of a reason why she might have) and she kept telling me to go back and look in the house. Evidently Elise was pretty annoyed with me, after a while and practically pushed me out of the house, assuring me that she would bring it over in the morning if she found it (though she had adopted a tone that suggested she sincerely didn't believe I had brought the damn thing with me sometime previously and used it even as she said that). It wasn't that I was worried that she'd steal it or search through my pockets, it was more the fact that whenever I Lent her something she and Stavross would promise to bring it back for months and it would never materialise. (My copy of 'the Simpsons Movie', for example, took over a year and I only got that back when mum went and got it. I had gone up there a number of times, reminding myself in advance to pick it up while I was there but, as I mentioned above, my memory is extremely cloudy and I would tend to forget over the course of my visit). I just didn't want to have to go without a coat when I might need one with constant promises of its return that would go unfulfilled.

She gave Tony a lift home on the way back. After he got out I told her how he had told Elise on Chug and Laura while she was still giving them a lift and how deliberate it seemed. I am very aware of how hypocritical it seems to tell her about how he was talking behind her back when I was talking about him behind his back. I feel justified, though, because I wasn't about to start an argument with Tony deliberately.

I know this entry hasn't had much about Chug's birthday but a journal is simply a log of events from the author's perspective and this is how the day went from mine. A little more happened after we got home, for example; Jeff asked if Tony had acted up in any before he got home and mum recapped the events, inspite of my hints warning her not to, causing him to go off and stress (scratch the back of his head) and I explained things in more detail which was a foolish move, on my part. Nothing other than that is really worth writing about.

Well, I did mention that I thought it would be a good idea if Tony didn't come up for a few days. This advice was clearly forgotten as he came up and took Pickle while she was asleep on my bed as I was typing this blog.

Eye Contact

Well... What's happened? Fuck all. I wasn't even going to make a post today, but if nothing has happened then whatever I do report will at least be quite short.

Errr...

Hmmm...

OK, well yesterday, sometime after chug got home he was on the phone to Laura. Or, at least, she was on the phone to him. He had the phone squeezed between his face and his ear while playing Star Wars; Knights of the Old Republic intently, saying absolutely nothing and probably not listening, either. So I came in to tease him, as any older brother should. And, for some reason, she had him put the phone on to me after a while.

So we chatted for a while and whenever Chuggle came up I would deliberately mention him loudly as well as whatever context in which we were talking about him, mostly to annoy him. It's hysterical to watch him give me dirty looks (ie; an angry expression, for anybody who isn't familiar with the term). Then she said we'd being talking for around 45 minutes which I said was impossible, she was apparently looking at some timer on her phone. I continued to dispute this but she wouldn't believe me so I told her what I was doing exactly 45 minutes ago; I had been looking at the clock in the dining room and was told to go and make dinner by my mother. I wasn't cooking anything special but it still took me 15 to 30 minutes to so, and I think she may have conceded or at least humoured me. She also told me that we were having what was possibly the first 'real' conversation she'd ever had, including with her Dad.

I wasn't sure if I should believe her or not, it seems unlikely to reach that age without having one at some point, but then again I rarely converse with people myself, due to Aspergers. Plus her dad isn't much of a talker (and, from meeting him, possibly not much of a thinker, either). I have heard that she doesn't have any friends she hangs around with at school (from the guys at club) or from outside it. Plus her Mum lives somewhere in South Wales. All I could think of was of how sad that much be. Not just to be lonely, but not even getting a degree of conversation. Then again, I think it's something I know well, and most people must go through it at some point or another. She said that her 'conversations' with Chug is usually her talking and him not saying anything and then, after 5 minutes.

So I gave the phone back to him and kicked him off his PC, going on there instead. He fussed and argued and told me, repeatedly, to let him back on it but, from my perspective, if I was on the PC and he was on the phone he was far more likely to talk. And if I was there to tease him there would be something to provoke some conversation.

And it worked. He claimed that all the did was argue while he was on the phone but I suppose they're both too young to know (and Chug is both young and autistic) that it was a very flirtatious argument, if it could be called an argument at all. They hung up on each other, they pressed buttons to make noises in attempts to bother each other (something of a phone war it was) and generally bickered. Then there was the smug tone of heir voices which is generally considered to be flirtatious. I'll have to explain it to him at some point later.

I've reached the conclusion that I'm going to have to sit him down and start giving him the 'girl talks', or whatever you'd like to call it. I'm not talking about "the birds and the bees" mechanics of sex, I'm talking about much more basic stuff. And I mean VERY basic, starting with things like Eye Contact. Besides, I'm almost sure he knows the basic mechanics of sex. Most kids do, these days. I had an encyclopedia with some interesting diagrams long before I reached his age. More complex stuff, things such as condoms, STDs and such can wait until he's 14 or 15. (Not that I'm expecting him to be 'getting any' at that age, but I'd rather he know and not do it than do it but not know. I don't want to have any extra nieces and nephews to look after from him before he's ready).

Though, come to think of it, I don't know how much about it he does know. I really hope that "the mechanics" not one of the things I'd have to explain to him.

Not much to say about today, either. I looked after Bink for a little while this morning while chatting with a close friend online. A while later I swapped babies with Tony, who was downstairs; he had Bink and I had the Piglet. And a few more hours still Elise picked up Bink, Tony had Piglet and I got to watch the rest of Iron Man with Dave. It was far better than I expected it to be, not only because it's based on a Marvel comic (I don't know what age I went off marvel, but at some point I decided that all the costumes and pseudonyms were silly, especially considering that the marvel and DC universe had thousands of costumed heroes between them, most of them with super powers. And you know they're running out of ideas for new powers and silly names for them). It made me realise that, in a lot of ways, Iron man was possible Marvel's answer to DC's Batman. (Playboy millionaire sinks millions into creating cool crime fighting gadgets. There's probably a bat man/iron man crossover out there, somewhere I should get my hands on...) Though the Iron Man movie wasn't nearly as good as either of the recent Batman movies I would certainly watch the sequal.

Elise came to take Piglet home surprisingly early, today, around 5:45. Apparently Piglet is having her first swimming 'lesson' tomorrow (I don't know if you can call it a lesson when you're only 10 months old. Then again, she tends to call everything "wblwblw" or "Aggahh!!" or "Hmhmm", so she may have a word for it). I find the idea of the precious little girl splashing away in the pool adorable, I just hope Elise takes a camera or something.

With no baby to watch Tony went home, I went to pick up a few things from the super market and then I made dinner. (I say "Made", what I really did was take some pies out of some boxes and put them in the oven, took some chips out of a packet and put them on to fry, as well as a few other things. The only real 'cooking' i did was to make to chop some chicken breast and cook it in a mushroom sauce. She didn't ask but I added some port and Cognac and a little salt and pepper. I had a taste of it when she was done and severely regretted not adding garlic). I only went to the market for chips, but I also picked up some Cadbury's Mini Eggs (childhood favourite) and a big box of Thornton's Chocolate for Chug to give to Laura.

I'd put the first items in the oven and then I went to give the box to Chug. As I said, I've come to realise that I'm going to have to be the one to give him those 'fatherly' talks. These are talks I never had, unless you count a few conversations with CP in my youth. But I don't really think the advice of mum's ex-husband are things that I should be striving to apply to my life, especially when you consider that he's a special forces trained ex-mercenary who has a track record as a rapist (though never charged with anything). (CP is Chug's biological father. Though Chug is kind of aggressive he's quite unlike his 'old man' in a lot of ways, and we hope he's going to continue being unlike him).

I had him pause his game and come and sit next to me and tried to make him make eye contact with me as we spoke. (This is something that doesn't really come naturally to us Aspergics, but it can be learned, however I've found that when I'm with somebody I'm close to for a prolonged period I will tend to forget to make eye contact completely. I don't know if there's any etiquette to this I can read up on, as far as I can tell it's all natural behaviour learned or almost from birth for humans). If he could do it with me (make I contact) then he could do the same with Laura. He refused to make eye contact with me on the grounds that he hated me which, to be fair, wasn't a particularly good reason not to make eye contact with somebody. I know that we often avoid it with people we feel hateful of but it's hard to do when having an argument with them, especially a heated one.

My argument got more heated when he declared our talk to be 'over' and that he was going to go back on his PC. I pointed out that I was right next to his power socket and could turn off all of his electrical appliances with one movement. I think he came close to calling my bluff, though I wasn't bluffing and I think he saw that. He stormed off to tell mum and I followed so that I could reasonably explain things. (I think that Chug has finally realised that, if I follow him when he runs off to mum after I tell him off, punish him or simply "lay down the law", as I had just done, it means I'm going to explain things to her and she'll probably come down on my side). Mum did agree with me, though she wasn't certain, but Chug still wasn't having it. I'll try again tomorrow, but I'll try harder not to back down this time as I'll only have 1 more day before I take he and Laura to the cinema.

I went down to finish cooking and we all ate.

Dave and I later watched some Doctor Who (episodes 5 + 6 of the 2005 season) before he went to bed at about 9 and I started typing this. (It generally takes me several hours to write all of my entries as I happily allow myself to be distracted. For example, at about the same time as I started writing this I started browsing some shoes that I had been meaning to buy for a while).

These are what I ordered; Like them? Want to know why I like them? They're PUMPS!! (Plimsolls) or as close as you can probably get without a time machine. We used to have to wear these indoors, back in primary school; they were our "indoor shoes". They don't make these, anymore. I don't know why, they were worn by children in schools all over the damn country and they were the most comfortable shoe you could possibly buy (after you broke them in). I first saw them in one of Dave's "Rollersnakes" catalogues. I couldn't find the specific shoes I fancied online (I think the ones I wanted had some sort of iron maiden motif) Anyway, I book marked the page (I had to do something, I suppose) and more or less forgot about it until today.

I wanted something dominantly black that I could wear in public without people jumping to conclusions about my tastes or personality (as most of my first picks had skulls on them) but ever so slightly ostentatious and I thought the checkered pattern would cover this. They're still pretty conservative in my opinion.

This is what I was originally going to get from the rollersnakes site. I still might, tbh. The ones I did order were on amazon but this design isn't on there as far as I can tell. I like the colours, I like the design... They look a little like carpet slippers but that's forgivable. And there probably will be times when I want to advertise my tastes, if not my personality (I don't see how footwear can prove this, but they do say women look at your shoes before anything else. If this is true then it shoots the 'girls are smarter than boys' argument out of the water. Besides, in my experience they tend to look at your package before anything else)

I'm looking at them now and I'm seriously reconsidering them. They don't seem to 'ostentatious' now, but if I actually put them on and went out they might. Since I don't normally give a damn about what people think of me or how I dress, I shouldn't let it get to me. (Especially since I don't care how I dress either, most days).

After ordering the black and grey checkered shoes above I continued browsing Amazon and found this pair, shown on the right...

Had I seen these first I don't think I'd have bothered with anything else. Possibly the least subtle of anything I looked at today and yet probably the pair in which I most saw myself. (I know that one of the figures appears to have cleavage and therefore women's but you'll look closely you'll see that one is a queen but the other is a king. You know, from playing cards... I think I'd have preferred a Joker motif but you can't have everything... Though I may yet find some with such a design. If I can't find some with Jokers I'll get this pair, next). You, the casual reader (and I imagine most of you exist primarily in my imagination) probably wouldn't like them, but that's ok.

I was still browsing shoes when my good friend came back online (whom I will henceforth refer to as Gydha) and I must confess I continued to do so for a while as we chatted. I did write more about our conversation, giving no particularly specific details but when I logged on today she said that she was 'aggressive'. She said it was because of the housework she had to do but I thought I would delete this small segment just to be more respectful, just in case.

And, as should be obvious, I continued to type. I don't think I've ever written so much about stuff I did while I was writing the very account of that stuff. I think there's a paradox in there, somewhere, but that's cool because when you look at things from a metaphysical point of view being caught in certain paradoxes give you some measure of immortality.

And you can't really complain about that, can you?

Stupid Cupid...

Cupid's stupid for a number of reasons, today.

Chug's girlfriend has a crush on me. They spent hours on the phone with each other and every so often she would find an excuse for him to put her on to me. She finds excuses to stand around with me when she's here, if I'm cooking or something (neutral territory; she hasn't actually set foot on my floor, let alone me room) and apparently she was asking my mother how old I was and if I had a girlfriend. Mum said I hadn't, but that I was 26. I'm actually 25, I don't know why she said that or how 1 year makes a difference; if I was a year or 2 older then her then it would be fine, but every year of difference after that makes it more and more questionable. She's 13 years younger than me, I don't think 14 would be that much more of a turn off.

(In any case, I'm not into 12 year olds so if she was to come on to me I would let her down gently).

In some of the instances of the excuses she took to speak with me she asked me for advice about Chug, why he's such a recluse etc. I tried to explain about Asperger's syndrome and how it affects us socially and how we sometimes didn't even know our own feelings, even as we're having them, until it's too late, giving personal examples such as how I sometimes blush without actually feeling the emotion of embarrassment or how I don't realise I'm stressed until my mouth and throat have broken out with ulcers.

Later I took him to her place. A minute or so after I turned back home I remembered that I hadn't told him to ask her or her father about the cinema next week and that he'd probably forget even if I did ask him to do so.

The walk home, alone, seems so much faster than the walk there while accompanied by Chuggle. Every few minutes I had to stop for him to catch up or go back and move him onward at more haste with my arm behind him. He was complaining about the distance when we'd got as far as the town library which is less than 10 minutes away. Laura lives about a mile away, give or take. He seemed to complain more about the walk than he did last time, as that time we didn't know about the foot path which would have allowed us to get to her place without going up hill at all.

Part of me actually wishes he attends the local high school, hell as it is with no facilities for people with AS. At least he'd walk 2 miles a day, like I did, and wouldn't be such a pussy about a little walk where he actually got to see his girlfriend at the end of it, something which should be more than worth it if he got the opportunity to kiss her for the first time or put his hand down her top (and, naturally, get slapped for it). But, then, I'm not even sure if chug is actually interested in sex. I've never known him to pay close attention to women in skimpy outfits or, unintentionally, find his eyes gravitating towards breasts while talking to somebody with large ones and let them, still unintentionally, linger there longer than they should. I haven't noticed him drooling over any men, either.

Plus there's still Juhela on my mind, but I said spoke of her yesterday and the whole thing that happened there hasn't really weighed on me any heavier today.

Then today (today; today) one of my exes logged on and we spoke a little. María. María lives in Venezuela and we've never actually met but we had this long term, long distance relationship going on. At first I didn't really feel anything for her, it was pretty much just an infatuation and part of me knew it, but then we had this moment when it seemed like she was going to split up with me and for less than a day I was miserable... And one of the worst things about the way I felt that way is because I had this feeling that, sooner or later, I was just going to shrug it off and say that I didn't care; that I didn't feel the way I thought I felt about her. Then, after a day of forcing myself not to, I just let her go. That night she logged on and I told her but she had decided that she wanted me after all and begged me to continue with whatever it was we had for a relationship. And I agreed; I had gone through an emotional roller coaster with a girl I hadn't met for over a year at the time and she'd put up with me in the same way... I realised that there must have been something there. Then a year or 2 after that she dumped me for some guy with bipolar depression who lashed out in his low times. Only this time I think I really had fallen for her and losing her hit me hard. She left him, too, and that was probably far harder for her.

Well, that's the abridged version of how our 'relationship' went. Naturally there were many more details and a lot more complexity to it but I can't really illustrate the entire story here. It'd take ages, for one thing.

We didn't say much, other than that she was studying at the time and I told her about Chug's first date coming up.

There were things I wanted to say. For example, I sent her an email about 2 years ago which I never got a reply to. You can't just bring something like that up in conversation, it would sound as if I've been obsessing over this why she hadn't replied. I'd also learned she had a new address and as I don't know how long she had that I don't know if her old one was still active when I sent it. But then, when I found out she had a new one (about a couple of months ago, when I added her to facebook, on a whim) I sent her an email there, too, and never got a response.

And I couldn't mention that email for the same reason. To be thinking about an email sent 2 months ago with no response might not seem as bad as thinking about one sent 2 years ago but I still didn't know how to bring it up without seeming like a freak.

Looking at the last couple of paragraphs it does sound kind of like I've been obsessing, but it's genuinely been something that's been at the back of my mind since I sent them.

We more or less made small talk until she logged off.

Then, of course, there's my Norwegian fantasy lady...

Laurence and Charlotte

Yesterday (Friday) was a good day. Well, it was better than most. I managed to sleep through until after 1pm without anybody waking me to look after somebody's baby. (It's not the babysitting I object to, it's the fact I do this almost every day; apparently without choice and certainly without pay).

Elise did come around after 3 with both children, I had one and Tony had the other. I did make it clear before she even arrived that I was going to club with Chug.

TBH I'm not really going to club for my own benefit, anymore, as I don't play WoW (though nobody there really plays it anymore either) as the average age of its attendees, these days, has to be at least 10 years under me. (When I started going they were about 2 years younger, on average). The main reason I've been going, lately, is because Chug has started seeing one of the other attendees, Laura, outside of club on a regular basis. They spend ours on the phone with each other on weekday evenings, she comes to visit him here on snow days and he goes to her place on saturdays and sundays. I take every possible opportunity to tease them, and those opportunities never seem to end. I'm a cruel bastard.

For example, it's been a running joke for a couple of months that Laura is a boy. (Ofc she's not). I think I might have even started that. It was certainly me who gave her the name 'Lawrence'. When she and Chug became and item he became 'Charlotte'.

I went on a bit of a spending spree while I was there; before I even went on a computer I had purchased 4 DVDs (on offer, 4 for £10. I Am Legend, Drop Dead Fred, A Scanner Darkly and Night Watch. Night Watch is the only one among them I haven't seen, I probably picked it as I needed 1 more to get 4 for £10. Thinking about it now I would have spent less than £9 if I just got 3 of them, but I can console myself that Andy warned me that Night Watch was pretty fucked up, so I will look forward to it). I also tried out SimCity Societies while I was there (everybody else at club tends to play FPS games, which I love but can't play because they make me nauseous on consoles and give me migraines on PCs). It's been at least 10 years (though probably more) since I last played a SimCity game. (I don't remember what console that was for, though it certainly wasn't for the PC. I had rented it and it came without a manual and, as I recall, there was no tutorial level. I had no idea what I was doing and my city sucked ass).

I spent a lot of time there trying to discern what's on at the nearest multiplex on the 14th, as I'm going to see about taking Chug and Laura to see a movie. (Part of me wants to sit a few rows behind the young love birds to spy on them, but somehow I think I'll be watching another screen room).

I ended up buying the game; it was "pre-owned" but the last guy had took it home, unwrapped it then brought it back claiming there was a scratch. So I got it brand new for half price :D

I don't really remember much of last night other than that.

I know mum had Piglet, last night, which meant I had her all day today. (Tony calls Saterday his 'Day Off', but almost every week he gets bored and comes up anyway. He didn't, today. Which was a mixed blessing).

Piglet was especially awkward today. As she's getting older she's getting much more lively and inclined to exploration... And she already a handful before she could crawl, diving in every direction. Now she's clinging to objects so she can walk with them side on. It's important to let her have a degree of freedom on the floor now (though there are certain people, such as Dave and Jeff, who disagree. Neither of them have nearly the amount of child care experience as I have, so I don't see how their opinions matter, though Dave will bitch a little if he sees her on the floor).

Laura was here for most of the day, today, down in Chug's room. Naturally I took the piss whenever the opportunity arose.

Obviously I don't want them having sex or anything but I have noticed that most of my teasing tends to be about whether or not they've kissed yet. At the very worst I'll say something about how they have to "use protection" if a situation arises where protection is needed. (Chuggle is, as yet, far too shy to even try to kiss here. And, from some of the responses to my teasing, I really think that Laura might be a little bothered by this. Of course I can't be certain about it, due to my condition, but I like to remind myself that my aspergers might negate any ability to read body language or vocal inflections but does improve my deductive reasoning and lateral thinking generally make up for it).

Actually, thinking about it, the worst I've ever teased them was probably telling "Lawrence" that if "my sister got pregnant" I'd know it was her.

I felt obligated to ask if she was staying for dinner, unsure as to whether we could accommodate her. I made diced chicken, baked in a creamy mushroom, mustard and port/cognac sauce. (My own recipe. Sadly it's something I tend to cook when we have nothing else, can think of nothing else or can't be bothered to make anything else). Apparently she said 'it was the best curry she ever had. I found this amusing :)

She went home around 9ish (several hours later than she as supposed to, as I had to make several outings while I was cooking; first to pick up some frozen chips (not washing, peeling and chopping my own in a meal of convenience, then to get some egg fried rice from the Chinese take-away at the end of the street (tried making my own in the past but I always seem to get it wrong) and then taking the Piglet home).

(Stavross was supposed to take her home, but when he arrived half an our previously his daughter was asleep, so he said he didn't want to wake her and that we should call him when he is awake. 20 minutes later, when she did wake up, his phone had been conveniently switched off).

I dozed off on my bed, fully dressed, until Dave started yelling at me that he'd won one of the best axes in the game. I wasn't too impressed on being woke up like that, but the joke was on him when he took a portal back to Dalaran and had to spend an hour or so trying to get back on to that character. Well, that joke was really on both of us, as I spent most of that time sitting in the arm chair waiting for him to get on, get his stuff enchanted and finish.

Having recently discovered that we can plug my portable hard drive into the PS3 to watch videos, listen to music or look at pictures downloaded to it I spent a lot of the time through the miscellaneous content of that hard drive. I also spent some time looking at film and game trailers while trying to find some final fantasy trailer, which I wasn't even sure was a new film or a new game. Eventually I found myself gravitating towards pictures of my ex wife and re opening some old wounds in the process. (Definitely not a good idea this close to valentines day).

However I can compartmentalise pretty well. Though I don't know how true that is... Sometimes it might seem that the emotions I feel are a shadow of the real thing, that my palette might be missing a few essential colours, lately I've come to suspect that my brain or my body doesn't know how to interpret them. For example, I can't really gauge how stressed I am at all until I start breaking out in mouth and throat ulcers in the least convenient places. Sometimes I'll blush in a situation when I should be embarrassed, however while my body is telling me how embarrassed I am my I can't feel the embarrassment that's supposed to come internally, if that makes sense.

(I used the same word far too often in that last sentence. The tell tale sign of a poor imagination)

It's another mixed blessing.

When Dave finally got off the PC he went for a smoke and had me decide what we were going to watch. I eventually decided on something we'd already seen before; Starship Troopers, as I'd be able to play on the PC while still following the story. It's actually better than I remember. Those bits I remember as cheesy don't quite so bad, now.

I didn't play any games, obviously, choosing to write this instead.

And that's about it, I guess.

Girl in a Box

Friday was my step-sister's funeral. I began writing this in the small hours of the next day because my sleeping pattern is messed up beyond recognition I went to bed not feeling slightly tired at I-don't-know-what-time, feeling completely restless as I listened for the downstairs clock to chime every 30 minutes. The last chime I remember hearing before I fell asleep was 4am, meaning that I had at least one and a half hours of sleep before I was awoke by my step-dad.

I found a shirt, (I found another shirt when it turned out the first one wasn't big enough for me to put in both of my arms at the same time without squeezing my shoulder blades together and force me to walk around with my arms out-stretched) got dressed in the new suit that I blew all my cash on a couple of weeks ago, got mum to put on my new tie for me and then went back to bed, where I failed to get any more sleep before the time to leave approached.

I changed my nephew's nappy; something I don't mind doing but this morning... having taken off the one he slept in (which he had clearly pee'd in several times and was a hefty weight) he pee'd again. And again. He must have pee'd at least 4 times, although I counted 5, each time failing to hit me (although he managed to get the corner of mum's laptop, I have no idea what the shape of which is now). I made my usual joke, when he made a large amount of waste that I was "surprised there was any baby left".

So when I finished changing his nappy and had him dressed I went to put my coat on when somebody (Jeff, I think) noticed I had managed to get baby cream all over the top of my new suit trousers and part of my jacket. We got most of this out but it's grease based cream and very hard to remove, but we managed to get it to the point where it was only really noticeable if somebody pointed it out.

I don't know what time we set off. An old friend of Tanya's, Kelly, was accompanying us so we took 2 cars; Steve had agreed to drive some of us and Elise would follow mum's car (after mum's chemo yesterday she wasn't feeling well enough to drive), which may have been a mistake because Steve is an erratic and often dangerous driver. Kelly, Chug and I were in his car, mum, Elise and the baby were in mum's.

Steve and I talked quite casually, only occasionally speaking about Tanya or the Funeral. I wandered how Kelly would interpret that as being callous, since was clearly taking things much harder. Then I felt a mild sense of shame that I was thinking about my outward appearance on such a day.

We stopped at a service station just east of Birmingham because mum needed the toilet. We were hoping to grab a quick breakfast but fate was not in favour of this; I had forgotten my cash card and had to borrow £10 from Steve and most of the food court was shut, opening in 15 minutes which was unacceptable because we were already behind schedule and the one shop in it that was open was highly over-priced and I didn't have enough to feed and quench 4 people. So I got a drink for Chug, mum, Elise and myself, Kelly got her own drink and some food and I think Steve got something, too. I didn't have to break the tenner Steve gave my since I managed to find enough loose change in my pockets to cover it, but I kept it nonetheless in the hope there would be an opportunity to get some food later on.

Unsure at first that we were in the right one we found the cemetery about an hour early, probably due to Steve's erratic, dangerous driving.

Steve got out and looked at the various tomb stones, Kelly and Chug squeezed into mum's car for warmth, while mum fed the baby, and I paced around a little bit and looked at a couple of tomb stones, staying a long distance away from the freshly dug hole not far from where mum had parked. (Steve had a good look at it at some point).

After a while the ladies got out of their car after mum asked me and Steve to fetch the reefs from his far. I began to suspect that I was being somewhat petty, as I wouldn't touch the reef sent by Tanya's father, taking the one mum had selected instead. We put 2 cards on it, one from mum and one with a short message from me, Elise and Chug. I don't really remember what they said. My message read something like "Tanya, I love you as much as any real sister and I always will".

I do love Tanya, as shamefully distant as we were. I deeply admired her until she gave up... And even then I felt the deepest of sympathy when I heard the circumstances of her death. And I felt these things every bit as much as I do for Elise or Charles or any other relative, even as short as our time together was. In a strange way it was a relief to know that I loved her.

I was worried about how I felt... I couldn't tell if my lack of feeling simply due to my Asperger's or if I really didn't feel anything. It only really hit me that she was gone the night before; Jeff said something about seeing Mark and Zoë (fumbling a little bit, trying to remember Zoë’s name) and I was about to open my mouth to correct him and say something like "you mean Mark, Zoë and Tanya" and then realising that Tanya was gone.

I don't know if the 5 stages of grief will never apply to death for me as they do for everybody else; I seem to miss staged, or take them in the wrong order and tend to get through them very quickly*, but I guess my grieving prices started there.

Much as I wanted to I was still unable to shed a tear.

Having finished my message I put them both in the card holders and the 6 of us (it may not have been 6, the baby may have been in the car with somebody attending to him) stood around, waiting for something to happen.

"Collo" was the next person to arrive in his van with a couple of other people we didn't really get a good look at, although we all seemed to notice that one of them was on crutches but didn't see the person's face.

He walked up to us and asked if we were alright. We all ignored him as well as we could; I couldn't even glimpse him with more than my peripheral vision without feeling a little nauseous. Maybe he thought we hadn't heard about the things that happened between Tanya but Zoe had told us all about the absolutely despicable things he had said and done and none of us wanted to know him.

The next thing I remember Elise was on the phone to Zoe... I don't remember who phoned who but I guess Elise phoned her, since I don't remember the phone ringing. Elise told her that Collo was there and that we all ignored him and that he was there with somebody who might have been his new girlfriend, but we couldn't tell because we didn't see the person from the front and only knew that they were in crutches.

Zoe told us to move out of the way because some bikers were on their way down.

I think Steve had already returned to his car by this point; he didn't know Tanya or any of her family and I guess he felt uncomfortable with the prospect of attending the funeral (which is understandable, especially given to his irreverent nature).

We all walked around to the other side of the chapel and stood around there and, sure enough, minutes later the bikers arrived. They parked their bikes on the other side of the building from us (the side we had just walked from) and they marched back towards us, looking stern and into the chapel. They walked out and seemed to be looking around.

Elise took it upon herself to see if she could be helpful, asking them if they were looking for somebody (which they were) and if this somebody had ginger hair (which he did). She pointed them in the right direction, saying that he was by his van with somebody in crutches.

We didn't see Collo again that day and the malicious thought crossed my mind (and, presumably, everybody else’s) that hopefully nobody would do so ever again.

More people started to turn up and eventually the funeral procession arrived.

We awkwardly tried to position ourselves as out-of-the-way as possible, which sadly meant we found ourselves bunched next to the doorway where we were available for all to see...

I know this is something which shouldn't have meant anything but I have attended enough funerals to know that there is a weird kind of pecking order when it comes to position and being seen much the same as weddings. The mourners who were the most closely related to the departed (spouses, parents, children, siblings, etc) will be at the head of the procession (after the casket), at the front of the service and at the head table of the wake, followed by 'lesser relatives', people of importance, close friends, and those who wished to pay their respects and be as inconspicuous as possible. It can all get very shallow from time to time, but I didn't want to be perceived as some stranger standing in the place of Tanya's closer relatives. Again I wandered if I was being shallow or petty.

Fortunately Mark and Zoe made a point of coming up to us and greeting us all exceptionally warmly and stood with us.

The preacher said that there was no way everybody there would fit in the small chapel.

Both mum and I said that we would remain outside if there was no room. I think she was able to procure a seat and I remained outside with the baby, deciding that (uncomfortable as it was to stand there carrying his chair) my own comfort should be second to that of Tanya (such as it was) and the strangers there whose closeness to Tanya was a mystery to me. The undertaker ushered me in, though, saying that I shouldn't be stood out there with a baby (I'd just like to point out that he was well wrapped and it was as cold inside as out, so standing in the shelter of the doorway he would have been fine but she seemed to find this idea unthinkable) and not only sat me near the front but on a bench in front of the other mourners, adjacent to Tanya, next to 4 or 5 people I had never seen before.

Sadly I found myself trying to feign the appearance of my genuine sadness so that anybody not aware of my condition who noticed me (i.e., everybody except mum, Chug and Elise) wouldn't think I was totally heartless. This time I didn't think of myself as shallow because I reasoned that if somebody did spot somebody who didn't look as if they were deeply upset would become distracted and [further] resentful of me. Some of the contortions in my face, at least, were caused by real pain from some of the things being said by the speakers.

The baby awoke during the service and began to make noises and I fed him his bottle (after all; he's usually of the opinion that being awake means its feeding time) and took it away again when he coughed slightly. He cooed and gurgled happily and quietly (for the most part) throughout the service and I caressed his cheek and his faint, wispy hair from time to time.

I noted that the reverend twice mentioned all of Tanya's brothers and sisters and other immediate family without mentioning Chuggles (I didn't mind that Mum, Elise and myself weren't mentioned), her half brother; as much a brother to her as her half siblings Gaynor, Daniel and Alex who were mentioned. But I understood; her mother was for some reason resentful of us; Tanya's extended family; probably because of our connection to Carl; Tanya's father. Or maybe the list given to him was given by one of Gaynor, Daniel and Alex themselves who would have been too young to remember any of us. Or maybe it was Mark and/or Zoe who didn't include our names in order to avoid trouble with Renarta.

The list was also mentioned by Daniel, who delivered the eulogy and seemed to gloss over the years she lived with us. But this was time spent with her father, so etching it out of history may possibly be a good thing. I know I don't want him mentioned in my eulogy if only because I was taught that if you can't say something nice you shouldn't say anything at all.

It was about this time that I felt that I should create a new blog and write about the day.

Then the coffin bearers took her remains outside... The people in the front row followed, along with the people standing in the doorway, and then people seemed to be unsure who was supposed to go next. The guy sitting next to me stood up and walked out of the room, and I was sitting right next to the door so I surmised that it was probably me causing the bottle neck. I cautiously got up, trying to look around to see if I was indeed supposed to go next but nobody seemed to be looking at me. I left anyway and the rest of the congregation seemed to follow me so I guess I was.

I shuffled around nervously, awaiting the rest of my family so that I could walk with them and got separated from my mother (as I tended to during funeral processions), but Elise caught up with me and took the baby's chair off me for a couple of minutes (much to the relief of my arms) and she walked with me.

It's not often I'm glad to see her much less walk with her but I was then.

The flowers and reefs had already been taken from the chapel and hurst and displayed near her final resting place for all to see before the service. Tanya's remains were lowered into the hole and people were invited to drop roses into her grave; mum ensured that Chuggles was among them, being a genuine half brother.

Then, as people started walking away something happened that I had never seen at a funeral before; people stopped to admire the flowers. This wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the rather tacky feeling that came with this and I asked mum "What's happening? Are they 'comparing sizes'"? At which she sniggered but I pointed out that that it wasn't funny. It really did seem to me that people were checking to see who gave the biggest and nicest reefs and bouquets.

Gradually people began making their way to their cars and Chris (an old friend of Mark's whom we didn't recognise at first) started to give people directions. Mum told him we were from Wales (and so we didn't really know any local landmarks or street names) which prompted him to recognise us and he said just to follow his car (a white Ford Fiesta).

Kelly and Chug decided to ride in Mum's car leaving me to go in Steve's. Steve and I nearly lost the procession to the wake a few times, probably because the car we were following didn't realise we were following him, he seemed to be having some trouble keeping up himself, he was overtaken by other cars (not part of the procession) once or twice and so were we.

We were a little worried that perhaps he was not actually attending the wake but just going straight home, however we spotted mum standing next to her car in the car park of the community hall in which the wake was being held.

Everybody else went in and I assured Steve that I would find out how long we would be (he said he didn't mind how long) so that he would know if he had time to grab a bite to eat from the nearest corner shop. After using the rest room I found mum and asked and she told me she didn't intend to stay too long, but I gathered from the tone of her voice that Steve probably had time to get some food quickly and I told him so.

The Pears side of the family, as well as the younger mourners, were more jovial than the older attendants whom I supposed were the Collo's family and Renarta's in-laws, who sat at their tables looking more like those people more traditionally found at wakes.

One or 2 of the bikers joined in the merriment but most of them sat along the wall looking as solemn as the older guests.

After a few minutes of standing around feeling uncomfortable I sat at the same table as Kelly and Chug, which Elise and Mum had been at previously as evidenced by their coats and bags. They were not far off, chatting with Mark and Zoe.

Then they, along with Kelly, wandered off into the bar room for a few while leaving me and Chuggle with the baby again. (Not that I mind, I love that baby incredibly and I love Chug just as much). I had a few crisps (some kind of smokey chicken, I suspect) but I didn't like them to much (not that this stopped me from picking at them every now and then; I was famished) and I chatted with Chuggle about some mindless stuff.

I couldn't help but notice Chris from time to time, as he was laughing and joking loudly with some people I didn't recognise, exchanging stories which I don't think were really related to Tanya. It seemed somewhat disrespectful to me and made me a little uncomfortable, not that I could really make out what they were saying specifically, and I found myself regarding them with some mild disdain.

After a while Mum, Elise, Kelly, Zoe and Mark returned and I got to hug both Zoe and Mark, told them that I missed them (it just slipped out, unexpectedly. It was true enough but I hadn't actually planned on saying it. I hadn't really realised how much I missed them until I said it, to be honest) and we all got to chatting (I say 'we'; I chimed in every now and then but I'm not a brilliant conversationalist).

Having spent some short amount of time (in truth I have no idea how long we were in the building, it could have been half an hour it could have been over 1 hour) we went out to set off home. Mark and Zoe came out to see us off and the small talk continued. We talked about the baby, computer games, and work in that particular borough of London.

We had time to talk considerably because Steve still wasn't back from getting a snack. Mark assured us that the nearest corner shop was just at the end of the street so we weren't sure where he could be. Steve told us he often gets lost in big cities, so we imagined him in lost somewhere in the middle of town. Well somebody imagined that; my imagination tends to get the better of me and I imagined him getting arrested for making another illegal u-turn somewhere. This was a thought I probably should have kept to myself.

He eventually returned, having found some kebab house some way away where he got himself a burger. We pointed out the shop mark told us about as wel left; it was less than a minute away.

We went back to the cemetary for one last moment at Tanya's grave. First Elise went to see it and Kelly followed and I waited to accompany mum, who stayed with the baby. I went to see it with Kelly as Elise returned. It wasn't the personal moment the ladies hoped it would be; it was being filled in by some some ugly men who seemed like the couldn't care less about whom they were burying. As cold as they found it it was the thing that eventually made me cry, and I turned away so that Kelly woundn't see. (I have a problem crying infront of other people).

I thought about her half siblings in London and her 3 children. Tanya was a mother or big sister to everybody she was a friend with, even people of her own age. The world seriosly needs more people like her.

I opened mum's door so that she could go and pay her respects but Elise had described it to her and decided to stay.

We stopped for a KFC on the way home. It was some cheesy radio 2 show with Chris Moyles or Chris Evens or Christ Tarrant or some other terrible radio personality called Chris taking cheesy requests. Although it's kinda weird; in the dark on a long drive after a long day (particularly when everything you see is only lit up by the cheap orange glow of street lights) there's something kind of comforting about the tone of the radio, no matter how bad the programme is.

Kelly, now that Chuggle was in the other car, stretched out on the back seat a few times to sleep, according to sleep. I nodded off myself a few times but I don't think it was ever longer than a couple of minutes.

Dave was there when we got home. We watched some TV together and eventually we went online to play World of Warcraft. I would have gone to sleep but I was over-tired and didn't see the point of doing so until I came off my 'second wind'. (I would just be awake, thinking, all night). When I did head off to bed I remembered that I really wanted to record the things that had happened so I came back to my room and started a new blog. I was up until sometime after 5am writing until I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Although Tanya's body was buried on the 16th of February, she wasn't there. I believe in an afterlife but this is something differant... It wasn't her body she left behind. She died once in december and what was left behind was what remained. When that died 2 weeks ago it wasn't even the remains of Tanya, it was just some girl in a box.

*I don't know what happened with my nan, 6 years before; it was about 4 years later when I started crying uncontrollably in the middle of a night when I was having trouble sleeping.