I had written a much longer message.
I fell in love with a girl. I was in love with her even before I stopped writing this and I omitted every detail of our relationship, everything about her really. I think I might have mentioned her, a couple of times, but if I did it was in passing and without any real detail and certainly without hint of my true feelings toward her.
The post I deleted was going to explain, in some detail, exactly how she broke my heart; but the more I wrote the more distraught I became.
The pain she caused me makes me hate her more than I've ever hated anybody or anything, which creates a whole new level of ambivalence within me as I still love her so fucking much and I can't help but grieve what she did, what I allowed to happen, what I did and what we lost. I can't stop grieving it. Lord knows I've tried.
It was love at first site. I didn't even realise that this was this case until she finally slipped through my fingers. I didn't believe in 'love at first site', other than infatuation based on a physical attraction, but now I think on it it's something I've experienced twice; once with a lady in Norway who eventually blocked me on all forms of communication for.. reasons I'm only vaguely clear about, to be honest. And once with this girl who broke my heard so badly I suspect the damage to be completely irreparable. (And the Norwegian chick doesn't really count as 'first sight' as i met her online and i don't think I actually saw her the night I first spoke to her).
My feelings for her spilled out in the end, I suspect after my last post, here. And we had a relationship that I kept a secret throughout its duration. I only got to meet up with her a few times since then. I'd have seen her twice as often but things kept coming up that prevented me.
And because of that she cheated on me. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour, I can't. I recognise i had a hand in causing what she did but she was the one who did it and there were things she could have done to stop it, to rectify any problems between us without fucking some moron who won't move in with the woman he claims to love.
I kept my feelings of her completely hidden for as long as I could and, as a result, this blog seems to be full of lies and lies of omission.
I was about to delete the whole thing.
But I can't do that. I started this blog as a sort of homage to my sister, who passed away more than 5 years ago, now. It might be a failed homage but an homage it is nonetheless and I don't have the heart to destroy it.
If anybody who ever reads this has any idea how it may be possible to actually travel back through time... Please let me know. I don't know what I'd give how far I'd go but I suspect it'd be "anything" and "anywhere".